


I'll Wait For You

by photographer_of_thoughts



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Crushes, Dysfunctional Family, Future, Insecure Isak, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Protective Even Bech Næsheim, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-17 12:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11851311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: "I'll wait until you're ready," Even said, but Isak didn't know if he would ever be ready.The AU in which Isak and Even didn't get a chance to save each other at Nissen. But time is a funny thing.





	1. Isak

Isak was seventeen, just starting his second year, when he _knew_ he couldn’t keep this a secret anymore. He couldn’t stop wondering _what if_ every time he glanced at his best friend. He’d seen enough movies and TV shows to have a small hope that Jonas might return his feelings; these colossally loud feelings that kept Isak awake at night and made him breathless with want.

It was the first day of school, right after some tall new kid in third year made eyes at Isak from across the cafeteria that Isak leaned over to ask Jonas if they could meet up after school and get a kebab together.

Isak didn’t return the look to the other boy, despite the fact that he could clearly see the boy was attractive.

“Yeah, sure Issy.” Jonas smiles, bumping shoulders with Isak.

“I thought we could…talk.” Isak continues, feeling his face heat up. Jonas gives him a strange look, but doesn’t say anything more about it.

By the time Isak is sitting next to Jonas watching him eat his kebab - school long over - he can barely speak. He’s never been this nervous for anything in his entire life and he almost feels sick with it.

“You’re shaking, bro. What’s up?” Jonas asks, concern in his face and he reaches over to pat Isak on the arm.

 _It’s now or never,_ Isak thinks.

“I…want to tell you something. I’m just… _fuck,_ I’m so scared you’ll hate me. Or punch me.” Isak admits, wincing at the thought.

“Isak. I could never hate you. And I would _never_ hit you, Christ. Just take a breath.” Jonas is quick to say, smiling his beautiful smile at Isak and somehow that comforts him.

Somehow it makes Isak a little more confident.

“I…love you.” Isak says, pushing the words out before he can stop himself, before he overthinks it and never has a chance to say it out loud.

Jonas’s face freezes and his fingers leave Isak’s arm, hanging in mid-air as Isak can physically see Jonas struggling.

_Shit, shit, shit._

“Isak…” Jonas starts, but Isak can’t bear to hear him continue.

“I’ve been in love with you for what feels like forever. And I thought… _maybe_ you felt the same. I can’t not say it anymore because it’s all I think about. I’m sorry if I just ruined us but I…”

“Issy, stop.” Jonas interrupts, suddenly putting his hands on Isak’s face in the gentlest of caresses and Isak clings to that like a lifeline. Jonas’s hands are warm and smooth and Isak can’t help but melt into the touch.

“Do you…”

“No, Issy.” Jonas says, the words firm and hard.

It’s like a slap.

Jonas looks like he feels so bad about it, but he also looks determined. “I love you because you’re my best friend. And I’ll always be here for you, Isak. But I don’t…I’m not _in_ love with you. I’m so sorry.”

Isak is crying and he can’t stop. He feels so ashamed all of a sudden, and he wants to unsay the words; take it all back. Because he couldn’t have imagined how bad it would feel to have Jonas tell him that he doesn’t love Isak in the same way. He couldn’t have predicted the pain in his chest and the embarrassment of Jonas now knowing that Isak loves him; knowing that Isak has felt this way for a long time.

“Issy, you don’t have to cry. I’m not angry or anything. I think I’ve known for a while that you felt this way, but…”

“So you’ve been laughing at me, huh?” Isak snaps, standing up and pushing Jonas away. “It must have been hilarious to you, knowing your best friend is some pathetic loser who pines after you like a fucking idiot!”

“No, Isak! God, it’s not like that!” Jonas pleads, reaching for Isak again.

Isak moves away, flinching, and drops his kebab onto the ground. He starts walking away, muttering a “Bye, Jonas” over his shoulder and Jonas doesn’t stop him from going.

**

Days go by and Isak still feels humiliation burning in his gut. He can’t find a way to make himself feel better, and living at home just makes everything ten times worse. His mother is currently between meds and having horrible hallucinations. His father still won’t deal with it and Isak can’t be home longer than an hour before he feels like his skin is melting off his face.

So he does the only thing he can think of and he goes out to get drunk.

Men buy him drinks at the bar he’s currently at and he accepts them gratefully, sometimes with a kiss. He knows this is dangerous and he knows he’s being stupidly dramatic.

But he can’t stop seeing Jonas’s sad face. He can’t stop _loving_ Jonas and all the texts he’s gotten over the last week from his best friend have just made everything worse.

 

_Isak, please answer me_

_I want us to talk_

_You’re not getting rid of me this easily_

_This doesn’t have to change our friendship_

_Issy, I saw your mom in the store today. Please tell me you’re okay?_

_Isak? Please?_

_< 3 <3 _

_At least talk with Eva or somebody. I don’t want you to be alone._

Isak is on drink four or five when the world starts going a little hazy. He hasn’t eaten today, unable to stomach much of anything recently, and he hangs onto the bar tighter than he normally would.

“Hey. Are you okay?” Someone asks him and Isak turns to look at the guy with the deep, perfect voice.

Isak falters a bit as he sees that it’s cafeteria guy; the tall, blonde, James Dean-looking boy who constantly eye fucks Isak at every opportunity at school. Isak never really sees boys from his school at this gay bar and it’s kind of surprising.

“I’m fine.” Isak decides to say, flashing a smile that normally gets him drink offers straight away. “How are you?”

“You’re swaying a bit, Isak. Maybe it’s time to go home?” The boy asks, eyes earnest and kind.

Isak scoffs. “I’m fine, James Dean. Don’t worry about me.”

 _Shit._ Did Isak really just call him James Dean out loud?

“You can call me Even. Come on. Walk with me.” James Dean, or _Even,_ says as he tugs at Isak’s jacket sleeve.

Isak knows he should leave. He should stop drinking. He should try and think of anything else besides how fucked up his mother is or how Jonas definitely doesn’t love him; how _nobody_ will probably ever love him.

But the hole he’s dug for himself is deep and he can’t jump out right now.

“He…doesn’t want me. Or love me.” Isak whispers, and he thinks Even didn’t hear him. The music is quite loud in the bar and there are a lot of people talking.

But then Even leans closer and pulls Isak’s chin up so they’re face to face.

“Who wouldn’t love someone like you?”

**

Isak goes home with Even, not entirely present as Even leads him. They don’t talk much and Isak is okay with that. He doesn’t have a lot to say anyways.

After the short walk to Even’s apartment, Isak’s suddenly being tucked into a bed and it’s warm and feels safe. Isak doesn’t question it. He just lets it happen. He hasn’t been tucked into bed in a long time.

He hasn’t been kissed on the forehead in a long time, either.

“Goodnight, Isak.” Even whispers and it seems like he’s turning to leave Isak alone.

For some reason Isak doesn’t want that right now. He doesn’t want solitude. His buzz is wearing off and he doesn’t really know what part of Oslo he’s in and he wants someone next to him. Even always looks at him like he wants to be close to Isak.

“Stay?” Isak asks and it’s more of a desperate plea.

Even turns around and comes back to Isak’s bed, sitting down on the edge hesitantly. “Isak, you’re drunk.”

“I just want you to be here. Please?”

Even pauses for only a second longer before he says gently, “Okay.” And then he climbs under the covers with Isak and pulls him against his chest.

Isak falls asleep almost instantly, mind finally empty of all thoughts.

**

Isak opens his eyes the next morning and the first thing he realizes is that he’s alone. And cold. He’s wearing jeans and his hoodie and he still feels freezing.

He gets up, bleary eyed, and walks towards what he hopes is the kitchen. The apartment is quiet and Isak walks carefully, not knowing how early it is and if he’s risking waking anyone up.

As soon as he turns into what _is_ the kitchen, he sighs in relief when he sees Even already up and dressed; drinking coffee.

“Hi.” Isak says, his voice hoarse and deep.

“Isak, good morning.” Even smiles, standing up from his chair and walking over. “It’s still really early. You can sleep more if you want.”

Isak knows he’s still tired and he can feel a hangover migraine coming on, but he shakes his head. If Even isn’t sleeping anymore, Isak doesn’t really want to go back into the empty bed.

“Can I have some coffee?” He asks.

“Sure. There’s lots.”

They end up watching a movie on the couch together, Isak’s cold feet tucked underneath Even’s thighs. The whole thing is so intimate and friendly that Isak just melts back into the cushiony couch, sipping his coffee; warming up.

“Do you want some breakfast?” Even asks half way through the film, rubbing his palm over Isak’s knee casually.

Isak nods, biting his bottom lip. “Yeah. That would be great.”

Isak keeps expecting Even to say something about last night. He keeps thinking Even will ask why Isak was there at the bar, if he’s gay, why he was acting like the lovesick fool he _is._ But Even just makes some scrambled eggs, brings Isak pain killers when he notices Isak rubbing his temple in order to soothe his throbbing head, and doesn’t stop touching Isak’s legs.

Isak feels the warmth from Even’s palm through his jeans and he can’t stop being aware of it. He can’t help how much he loves it, wants _more_ of it.

Isak doesn’t really want to go home, but it’s nearing dinner time and Isak figures he’s overstayed his welcome.

“My roommates are gone this weekend. You can stay again if you want.” Even shrugs, right after Isak sits up to put his shoes on.

Isak freezes, suddenly not knowing what to do.

“Last night it seemed like the last place you wanted to be was home, so…you’re welcome to stay here, Isak.” Even says softly, standing up and reaching for Isak’s wrist. He puts a bit of pressure on it, catching Isak’s eye, before he walks past Isak and into the kitchen.

Isak stays and they order pizza, watching yet another Baz Luhrmann film that Even can’t stop raving about. Isak laughs and eats four slices of pizza and by the time the latest movie is over, Isak is snuggled up against Even’s side.

“Isak?”

The room has gone quiet as the credits to the film play and Isak can’t stop breathing in the smell of Even’s shampoo; can’t stop wondering how Even’s lips taste.

He can’t stop the noise in his head, the loud thumping rhythm that’s practically begging him; pushing him to Even with a force he’s never felt before.

“Yeah?”

“Whoever it is who broke your heart…” Even begins, putting his big hand on Isak’s cheek and stroking. “They don’t deserve your love. If they can’t see how beautiful you are, that’s entirely their fault.”

Isak is breathing heavily and he can’t look at Even.

_I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy._

“You’re beautiful. So fucking beautiful it makes me breathless.” Even whispers, leaning in and placing a kiss on the corner of Isak’s mouth, not pushing for more.

But Isak gives him more.

He reaches up and slots their mouths together as he takes a handful of Even’s hair in his hand, pulling and taking and loving it; feeling how he’s wanted back. And it’s so nice to be wanted back.

Isak wants more and tries to pull Even’s shirt off, but Even stops him. He grasps at Isak’s hand and shakes his head, pupils blown and body giving off a different kind of signal.

“Not yet, Isak. Not when you love someone else.”

Isak feels rejected for a moment, that awful feeling coming back. But then Even surges forward and connects their mouths again, licking across Isak’s top lip.

“I just wanted you to know that someone _does_ want you. _I_ want you. But I’ll wait until you’re ready.”

Isak doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready. Ready to stop loving Jonas. Ready to admit that there’s nothing he can do to save his mother. Ready to be okay with that fact that he only likes boys.

Ready to be a person capable of loving Even the way he clearly deserves to be loved.

“Okay.” Isak says, and it’s not enough. But it has to be for now, and Even seems to understand that.

They spend the rest of the night cuddled on the couch, and eventually Isak falls asleep with his nose in the crook of Even’s neck.

He leaves the next morning feeling like he’s still asleep, still dreaming; not truly believing that Even is real.

**

Isak talks to Jonas again and things go back to normal. Isak doesn’t mention his epic crush again and begs Jonas never to bring it up. They start hanging out with Mahdi and Magnus and Isak suffers through the conversations about girls, contributes a little bit even though Jonas sees right through him.

And Even looks at him in the halls the same way he always did. He doesn’t approach Isak, doesn’t try and contact him.

 _When you’re ready,_ he had said.

Isak isn’t ready all of his second year. If anything, he shrinks further into his shell. He stays at home, tries to help his mother through her episodes, puts on a brave face when his father leaves for good in the Spring.

Isak dates Emma because he thinks it’s what will make him feel okay, make him go on not admitting his true feelings.

Even doesn’t speak to him. He doesn’t demand anything of Isak. He graduates that year, all smiles in the hallway as he walks out of high school. He glances at Isak who can’t seem to stop staring at Even, despite the fact that his arms are around Emma. And Even smiles at him, kind of sadly; kind of in a way that says _I’m sorry you’re not ready._

And then Isak doesn’t see Even again.

He goes to university. He tries to move in with Emma, but they break up in Isak’s second year of his program. He loses touch with Jonas because the humiliation is still there, brimming at the surface and Isak can’t do it anymore.

He hates himself for letting things get this far. He wishes Even had intervened, pushed him out of the closet; brought him to life.

He wishes he wasn’t such a coward.

**

Before he knows it, he’s twenty-seven. He has new friends at his new job, sort of. He makes good money, sort of. He has a new apartment; one bedroom. He went to Jonas and Eva’s wedding, sitting in a pew rather than by Jonas’s side because they aren’t best friends anymore. But they’re still friends and that’s okay.

Isak hasn’t dated anyone. He goes out sometimes, hooks up. But that’s the extent of it.

Nothing is loud anymore. Nothing feels alive.

Until Isak gets off at the wrong tram stop, cursing himself because now he has to walk or wait another hour for the next one to take him home. And he’s starving and cranky and just wants to go home but he knows he won’t make it without some caffeine. So he walks into a KB, wrapping his scarf further around his neck against the chill wind of the gloomy December day, and goes up the counter to order.

“Hi, can I get a…”

He stops mid-sentence because he finds himself looking into eyes he hasn’t seen in almost ten years. Eyes that are still kind, still beautiful and that are now a little bit wrinkled.

“Isak.” Even says, and he flashes Isak a huge smile.

Isak suddenly can’t breathe. His lungs are constricting and his hands are shaking and he feels tears prick at his eyes. He doesn’t understand his reaction. It doesn’t make any kind of sense, why he’s so frozen on the spot; so embarrassed.

“Isak? Hey, are you all right?” Even asks, concern in his expression now and Isak just wants to disappear.

It hits Isak like a punch to the face that he still isn’t ready. Even probably has a boyfriend or girlfriend now. Hell, he’s probably _married._ But even still, if he had been single – if he _had_ been waiting for Isak all this time – Isak is still not ready.

He’s still denying his sexuality to himself.

He’s still stuck in the same place he’d been in when he was seventeen.

And the most awful part of it all, is that he knows that Even knows that too. Even has been the only person to see straight into Isak’s character; straight into the sad, small, scared boy that Isak really is.

“I’m okay.” Isak stammers, breathing hard out his nose. “I’ll take a small coffee, black please. And…the roast beef sandwich.”

Even doesn’t do anything for a long second, eyes still glued to Isak. But then he punches in Isak’s order, tells him the amount, and holds out his hand when Isak gives him some money.

“Your order will be ready soon.” Even states, sounding devastatingly professional; detached.

There’s nobody behind Isak so he doesn’t have to rush. He chooses to stand there awkwardly, wishing he had something to offer; wishing he had something to say. Even doesn’t move either, not even to get Isak’s coffee.

“It’s nice to…see you.” Isak tries, knowing it’s a dumb thing to say.

“Yeah?” Even asks, hopeful.

“Yeah. It’s been…”

“Nine and a half years.”

“Yeah.”

Another boy working behind the counter comes over and hands Isak his coffee and sandwich, looking between Isak and Even uncertainly.

“Do you mind taking over for me for just a minute?” Even asks, already walking around to leave the counter.

“Yeah, sure. Five minutes tops.” The boy warns.

Even nods and he’s suddenly right in front of Isak, standing closer than normal friends – normal _strangers –_ would. Isak swallows hard as he looks up at Even, having forgotten that Even is taller than him.

“Come with me?” Even asks, walking away from Isak; assuming he’ll follow.

Isak does and by the time he meets Even in the small alley behind the KB, his knees are jelly. His heart is beating insanely fast. He knows he’s an emotional mess, but _it’s back._

The rhythm. The pull. The feeling of life rushing back into his veins.

“I…”

“Isak, _Christ.”_ Even interrupts, pulling Isak against his chest and hugging him hard.

Isak nearly drops his coffee and his sandwich in his attempt to hug back, but he manages it and squeezes Even hard. His nose finds its place in Even’s neck and he exhales; like it’s the first time in ten years.

They stand there for three of the five minutes Even is allowed, arms around each other. Not talking. Not doing anything except _feeling_ each other and Isak is warm even though it’s snowing around them now, the snowflakes big and wet on Isak’s nose.

“I work almost every day here until five.” Even whispers, finally pulling away. And Isak doesn’t want him to let go.

Ever.

“Okay.”

Even gives him a meaningful look and then kisses Isak on his forehead, the touch small and barely there but Isak feels it.

And he still feels it ten minutes after Even has left him to go back to work, Isak still standing in the cold, empty alley.

**

Isak’s mother went into a care facility when Isak left for university. Isak hasn’t visited her but he’s kept up the payments for her care and he calls occasionally to speak to a nurse about his mother’s progress.

He gets letters from his mother every now and then, mostly quotes from the Bible that Isak doesn’t read in any sort of detail. He knows what it all comes back to; the world is awful and someone like Isak would definitely be going to Hell in his mother’s eyes.

He never replies, never writes her back.

And Isak doesn’t see his father a lot either, even though he goes to awkward dinners at different restaurants with him twice a year; struggling against the urge to demand an explanation from his father. Why he left them. Why he gave up.

But Isak is always silent. He never yells. He never gets upset.

After seeing Even again though, something changes in Isak. It’s a slow change, but it’s there. It’s _something._ And that something makes him go and see his mother on a warm June day. He sits outside in the garden with her, listening to her talk about the flowers and how to keep the begonias alive; how our hands are meant to be in the earth, helping it and caring for it.

He spends an afternoon planting roses with her, getting his hands dirty and accepting the lemonade that she gets from her room. He smiles and lets her talk and she fades in and out, but she _remembers_ him. She knows him. And Isak had forgotten what it was like to just appreciate his mother for who she is, rather than spend all his time with her wishing she was something else.

Isak didn’t think he would tell her, but he does. As he’s leaving, kissing her cheek, he tells her that he’s gay; that he’s known since he was sixteen.

He expects a slap or a scream. He expects her to be shocked.

He doesn’t expect her to pull him into a hug and stroke his back, telling him that she loves him and God made him perfect and there’s nothing in the world he could ever do to make her stop loving her beautiful son.

And part of Isak heals as he says goodbye. Part of him is glued back together as he promises to see her again soon.

**

“You shouldn’t have left.” Isak says, not looking at the menu because he knows he isn’t staying long.

His father looks up from the wine list, his red eyes squinting. “What?”

“You shouldn’t have left Mamma. You should have done everything you could to take care of her. And of me. But you didn’t, and I don’t think there will ever be enough time to repair what you took, what you broke.” Isak continues and he’s shaking but he keeps talking; pushes through because he _has_ to. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“Isak…”

“Goodbye, Pappa.”

Isak leaves and doesn’t look back. He blocks his father from his phone, from his life, and when the Fall comes Isak asks Jonas if he’ll meet him at their favourite kebab place, the one right near Nissen. Where Isak told Jonas he loved him.

“This is familiar.” Jonas chuckles, taking a huge bite of his kebab.

They’re sitting on the bench, a cool breeze making them shiver, and Isak smiles at his friend. His oldest friend who he finally feels okay to have back in his life. The tightness in his chest has relaxed.

“I missed you.” Isak says, and he’s never meant anything more. “I’m sorry I fucked up our friendship. I’ve been a mess for longer than I realized.”

Jonas nods, bumping their shoulders together.

“If you’re talking about when you told me you loved me, that didn’t fuck anything up, Is. But you pushed me away. I never kicked you out of my life, you know.”

“Yeah.” Isak sighs. “I know.”

“I’m glad you’re back now. I need you around, bro.” Jonas laughs.

“To help you with fatherhood?”

“Oh my God, yes. I need all the help I can get. My daughter has _my_ eyebrows and Eva is freaking out about it. I keep telling her that Anna’s only six months old and we shouldn’t be worried about her fucking eyebrows, but apparently we _do.”_

Isak laughs and spends several nights a week at Jonas and Eva’s place after that, having dinner and babysitting their daughter. And Isak’s heart mends a little more.

**

It’s a year to the date when Isak walks back through the doors of KB, hoping against hope that Even still works here. Hoping that Even will hug him again, look at him the way he did all those years ago; when they were just kids.

But this time, Isak wants that look to be more than just a hopeful, I’ll-wait-for-you look. Isak wants that look to mean the start of something. Because Isak _is_ the person he wants to be. He’s where he’s meant to be, fucking _finally._

He doesn’t need Even to ignite the sound, the fire that was dead inside of him for so long.

He wants to show Even that he started it himself, and that part of it flickers for _him._

Even has just finished his shift – Isak asked someone - and he looks exhausted as he runs his hand through his hair, walking towards the door and not seeing Isak yet. Isak puts himself in Even’s pathway, smiling at him as their eyes finally meet.

And then the exhaustion is gone from Even. His face suddenly has more colour, and he looks more alert as he walks directly into the arms that Isak has out for him.

They fit together in a new way, a seamless way.

It doesn’t hurt anymore.

**

“I was so in love with you at Nissen.” Even says, drawing a pattern on Isak’s bare chest with his finger.

Isak watches him, the dim candle light around them cheesy and romantic and everything Isak dreamed it would be; everything he ever hoped for.

“I know.”

“I wanted to tell you so many times…”

“You did, Even.” Isak says, bringing Even up towards him until they can kiss again.

“No, I didn’t. I never said the words ‘ _I love you’_ right to your face.” Even says, looking confused.

Isak smiles, sleepy and sated and so in love he can’t really believe it yet.

“You said, ‘ _I’ll wait for you.’”_


	2. Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even's POV because reasons :P

Even knows from the moment he sets eyes on Isak that he wants to talk to the boy. Isak seems so interesting. Even sees Isak’s eyes glaze over when his friends are laughing about something at lunch, and Even knows Isak clearly feels left out of the conversation. Isak is practically squirming in his seat and shoots glances at the brown haired boy next to him. Even’s suddenly really curious about what it is Isak can’t relate to, what’s making him all pouty and withdrawn.

Even catches glimpses of Isak every day, but doesn’t go and speak to him. He wants to know the boy’s name, his favourite colour, what subjects he likes. Even wants to know so much all at once that he’s scared if he goes up to him he won’t know what to actually say.

He figures he should probably start with finding out the boy’s name so he can stop referring to him as ‘angel with a snapback’ in his head.

So obviously, he asks Sana.

“Him? That’s Isak.” She says, frowning at Even; like she doesn’t really understand why Even is so fascinated.

“Isak.” Even says the word, nodding to himself.

“Why do you want to know?”

Even shrugs, trying to be casual; trying to forget about the shit-show that happened with Sana’s brother and Mikael back at his old school. He wants so much to have a fresh start, to begin anew but the way Sana is watching him curiously is making him uneasy because she knows his past. She knows _him._

“I thought him and I could be friends or something.” Even decides to say.

Sana closes her locker and nods, holding her books tight against her chest. “I mean, sure you could. He’s not a bad guy. But he’s just… _a guy._ Same as his buddies.”

Even smiles at her, thinking to himself that Isak can’t be _just a guy._ Isak is special. Even doesn’t know _how_ he knows that, but he knows.

**

Even goes out to the bar – the _gay_ bar – because he can’t get Isak out of his head and the boy won’t look at him anymore. Something happened between Isak and his friend, the brown-haired boy, and Isak has been alone all week. Isak’s eyes have huge, purple circles underneath them and he looks like he’s losing weight. Even knows this because he still looks at him during lunch, still wonders what he would say if given the chance.

Even wants to wrap Isak in his arms and take his pain away, whatever that might be. But he knows he can’t and it’s pointless to imagine that Isak would want Even’s help anyways. They don’t know each other at all.

Even wonders if maybe he feels so drawn to Isak because Even is also alone. He broke up with Sonja during the summer. He lost his friends from his old school. He can’t really call anyone. Sana smiles at him in school and waves to him, but they don’t hang out.

Even’s been so focused on taking his meds and attending his classes that he barely registers how _bored_ he is; how listless and dull every day seems until he can’t sit still anymore. He can’t spend another weekend at home doing homework with his mother’s scared eyes on him, hovering and bringing him snacks like he’s four years old.

He knows that she cares, that she doesn’t want him to have another awful episode, but he also doesn’t appreciate being monitored and told what to do all the time. He’s not an invalid. He lives with roommates. He has his own life, even though he promised to come home on the weekends to appease her.

“I’m going out.” He tells her, grabbing his coat and keys.

“Don’t be too late. Please, Even.” She asks, looking on the verge of tears. Even gets out of there before he cries too, or punches the wall in his overwhelming frustration.

Even knows he shouldn’t drink but he wants something to calm his nerves. So he walks into the bar and orders a beer, promising himself he’ll hang onto it for as long as he’s here and take small sips; making is last.

But unfortunately, he ends up downing three quarters of it within the first ten minutes. He lets a guy who is probably in his later twenties size him up, rub against his arm and buy him another beer.

“Why are you here all alone?” The stranger asks, turning his whole body towards Even now.

“I…was going to meet someone, but they didn’t show.” Even lies, not wanting to seem as lame as he probably is, coming to a bar alone.

“That’s a shame. Well, their loss. My gain.” The guy says and Even refrains from rolling eyes. The guy obviously just wants a hook up, and maybe that’s okay for tonight. Even is enjoying the company and that says a lot about how isolated he’s been recently, especially with his roommates gone on some kind of road trip.

Even kisses the guy, slow at first and he sighs into it. It’s not the mouth he wants to be kissing, but it’s _something._ It feels nice and warm, and the guy is a bit too grabby but Even goes with it.

“Hey there, handsome.” A familiar voice says from somewhere behind Even in the bar, and Even immediately freezes.

_Isak._ That’s Isak’s voice.

Even turns around, pulling his face away from the grabby guy, and finds Isak immediately. He’s standing against the bar, mouth on some other boy’s lips and then he pulls away, laughing. He thanks the guy, downing his drink which looks strong – too strong – and then he walks towards the bathrooms.

“Ugh, we good?” The grabby guy asks, tugging a little on Even’s hand.

Even stops staring after Isak and turns back around, pulling out of the man’s hold. “I actually…I have to go. I’m sorry. Thanks for the beer.”

The guy mumbles something under his breath that Even doesn’t catch, too preoccupied with the state that Isak’s in. Even walks into the bathroom just in time to see Isak washing his hands, swaying a little too far to the left. He’s clearly very drunk, and he doesn’t notice Even at all as he brushes past, out the door again.

Even waits a solid three minutes, staring at the closed bathroom door, before he walks back out; determined to say something – _anything –_ to Isak. Maybe take him home; make sure he’s all right.

Isak downs another drink at the bar, and Even can see Isak is holding onto the side of it with all his might; trying to stay upright. Some men are eyeing Isak, looking amused at Isak’s state and that’s definitely not a good sign. The men are heading in Isak’s direction when Even intervenes, coming up to put a hand on Isak’s shoulder, shielding the shorter boy with his body and saying, “Hey. Are you all right?”

**

Isak calls Even ‘James Dean’ and tells him that someone doesn’t love him – didn’t _want_ Isak, and it’s too fucking sad for words. Even hates whoever it was who said he didn’t love Isak; hates whoever made Isak hurt this badly. Because seriously, who wouldn’t love someone like Isak?

And Even takes Isak to his own, empty apartment because it’s closer and Isak isn’t in a state to tell Even where he lives. Even has a feeling Isak doesn’t want to go home anyways, so he doesn’t push. He just wants to make sure Isak is safe and in bed, not off somewhere dangerous with God knows who.

Even tries to put Isak to bed and let him sleep, but Isak asks him to stay. He holds out his hands like he’s a child and asks _Even_ to stay with him; to soothe him just a little bit.

Even can’t say no, and when Isak falls asleep on his chest, Even kisses his forehead and can’t help but think that he’s found the person he’s supposed to be with. He just _feels_ it, deep inside his heart – like if he opened his chest he would see Isak’s name there, written clearly.

Even lays awake for a long time, thinking about it all. Wondering what comes next. He _wants_ Isak, and of course he’d love to be with him. But Isak clearly loves someone else right now; clearly is infatuated.

Even doesn’t want his forever to think Even is only some kind of rebound, some kind of stepping stone to bigger and better things.

So Even promises himself he’ll wait until Isak’s ready. He’ll let Isak try and get over this boy who he loves so much. He’ll wait until Isak can take care of himself, because he wants Isak to be _whole._ He wants Isak to want to be happy.

Even knows he can’t force happiness on someone, can’t intervene in someone’s life that way and choose for them. _Isak_ has to be the one to choose.

Even falls asleep entirely aware that this might be the last time he has his hands on Isak for quite a long while.

**

Isak kisses him first and Even knows for sure when they kiss that Isak is _his._ Isak is his person, his future and nothing has ever been more difficult than pulling Isak away from his mouth; asking him to stop and knowing he won’t be with him yet.

But this is the way it has to be.

_When you’re ready,_ Even tells him. He tells Isak how beautiful he is, how _wanted_ he is, but then how much this can’t happen right now. Isak looks sad again but he seems to understand. And then Isak leaves the next day, looking perfect and unhappy as he waves a goodbye.

**

Even kind of hopes that Isak will be ready in a few weeks. Maybe a few months. But the days wear on and soon it’s Christmas. And then Spring.

And Isak still hasn’t come to him. Isak _looks_ at Even all the time; in the halls, at lunch, as he starts walking home. Sometimes they’re on the same tram and Even smiles at Isak sadly, pleading for today to be the day that Isak comes over and tells Even he’s ready.

But through all of second year, Isak doesn’t come to Even. Isak starts dating a girl who is loud and pretty and kind of obnoxious.

Isak stays hidden.

“Even, are you listening?”

Even looks up from his cooling coffee and into the eyes of Sonja, who he had agreed to have coffee with. She brought him his favourite kind of chocolates as a graduation present and hugged him tight, whispering how proud she is of him for finally being done high school.

“Yeah. Sorry.” He reaches across the table and takes her hands in his.

Sonja has just spent six minutes telling Even that she still loves him and thinks about him all the time. She wants to know if maybe he feels the same way about her and if they can try again.

Even feels so fucking terrible because since they broke up last summer, the only person he has thought about is Isak.

“Even?” She prompts, squeezing his fingers a little; her eyes big and pleading.

Even looks at her for a long second, remembering how good they were at the beginning; how much he truly was in love with her. He thinks about all the times they used to lay in his bed, holding each other close, whispering their dreams to each other. He thinks about how beautiful she really _is,_ and how they _could_ be together and be happy if they altered a few things from last time. Mainly, that Sonja doesn’t treat him like his mother.

“I’ve thought about you too.”

**

And just like that, Even forgets about Isak for a little while. He stops waiting. He moves in with Sonja in their own apartment as they both go to university. Even stays on his meds, the episodes he does have aren’t super bad, and he even starts talking to Mikael again.

“Can we move on from what happened?” Even asks hesitantly, his heart pounding in his chest. _Can we forget that I was madly in love with you?_

“Yeah, man.” Mikael smiles, his face lighting up as he pulls Even into a hug. “I never wanted you out of my life.”

And when Mikael gets a girlfriend a year later, they all go on double dates together. Mikael comes over with Hanna twice a week for nearly two years until Even and Sonja are done university, and right up until they tell Even they’re getting married.

Even is insanely happy that Mikael has found someone, and of course he attends the wedding with Sonja on his arm. Sonja, who had a miscarriage weeks earlier, and who has done nothing but tell Even how ready she is for them to get married too. She wants a family. She wants a bigger house.

And Even wants that too. He’s always wanted a family. He’s always thought he would make a good father.

Even is offered a position in Canada to direct the film he wrote and spent a solid year on the day Sonja tells him that she’s made it into her second trimester.

Even decides to stay in Oslo and he doesn’t regret it because a short time later he has a healthy, newborn son and his heart has never been fuller. He never knew he could love someone so much after having just met them.

Well, maybe he did know.

Sonja holds their son in her arms three months later at their wedding, and Even cries more than she does because he’s really fucking happy. He _is._

**

He’s happy until he sees Isak one day when he’s twenty-four. He’s walking down the street, shoulders hunched against the wind and he looks up for a second in order to avoid walking right into someone. That person hits him though and it jolts Even enough to make him slightly angry.

“Sorry!” The person calls.

Even is about to say something when he sees Isak across the street, hands shoved into his coat pockets. It takes the fucking breath right out of him because Even had _forgotten._ He’d forgotten this feeling.

Isak’s hair is longer than it was when they were at Nissen. He looks healthy. He’s still so beautiful. And he’s also…

Still sad. Even can see it plain as day as he stands still and watches Isak until he can’t see him anymore. Isak’s face is still pouty and withdrawn. He’s still not ready.

Even’s heart breaks a little bit and he isn’t sure if it’s because of Isak’s sadness or the fact that he suddenly knows now that the happiness he’s felt without Isak has been incomplete.

**

“This isn’t working, is it?” Sonja asks him one night.

They’ve been fighting since Even got home – from an office job he absolutely hates – and they’re both out of breath now. They woke their son up twice as they screamed at each other and Even had hugged him against his chest, whispering an apology to his red-faced baby boy who didn’t deserve this kind of tension.

“No.” Even whispers, closing his eyes.

“I don’t understand, Even. Why has everything changed?” Sonja cries, and Even has never been good at seeing Sonja cry. He goes to her and wraps her in a hug.

“I don’t know, Sonja. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Even. I just…I don’t think we feel what we used to feel for each other. Do we?” She sniffles, holding him close to her.

“I know I still love you.” Even says, and it’s the truth.

“I love you too. But…are you in love with me?”

Even hesitates, thinking maybe he is. Maybe he is in love with Sonja and this is just the harder part of marriage. Maybe they should try counseling. Even doesn’t want his marriage to end because it feels like giving up.

But in the end, he shakes his head. “I don’t think so, and that’s what I’m fucking sorry about.”

“Stop.” Sonja says, pulling away. “You can’t be sorry for something you can’t control. I love you too, Even, and I think I always will. But…I’m not in love with you either.”

**

They sign the divorce papers a year later and share custody of Henry. It’s probably the most civil divorce in the history of divorces. He still sees Sonja a lot. They talk about their days the same as they did when they were married. They take Henry to the park together, laugh as he makes silly noises when he goes down the slide.

And Even takes a job at KB because he has a particularly rough episode six months after they divorce and he doesn’t feel that he can handle much more. He wants to be a director, or do something more related to films. But for now, making coffee is fine with him.

“It’s not forever, right?” Sonja asks, smiling at him. “You’re not even thirty yet! The world is your oyster. All that shit.”

Even wraps an arm around her shoulders as they sit in her apartment, Henry fast asleep. “Thanks, Sonja.”

“Anytime. Oh, Even?”

“Yeah?”

“I have a boyfriend. He loves Henry, but I thought maybe you’d want to meet him since he’ll be around here a lot?” She offers, and Even feels a warmth in his chest at the offer; the fact that she cares so much.

“Sure.”

**

Isak comes into KB one day and Even is completely unprepared for it. Isak seems unprepared and worried too because he stutters through his order, turns bright red, and can barely look Even in the eye.

_Fucking hell_ , Even thinks. Isak _still_ isn’t ready.

Even is really on the verge of shoving things along because nearly ten years is enough of a wait, thanks very much. Even got married. He’s had various boyfriends and girlfriends since Sonja but nothing that feels right. Nothing that feels anywhere close to what he had with Sonja, and lightyears away from what he feels when Isak is close to him.

Even is kind of impatient. And he’s spent quite a lot of hours looking up Isak’s various forms of social media, nearly sending him a message dozens of times.

“Isak, _Christ.”_ Even says, bringing Isak against him because he can’t help it. He can’t wait any longer to feel his forever, the warmth of his skin.

Even tries really hard not to cry, but the tears slide down his cheeks before he can stop them.

He tells Isak when he works and then he lets Isak go again, hoping this will be the very last time; praying that Isak will come back to him at last.

**

One not-so-happy day just after New Years, Even has an episode that sets his body _on fire._ He craves the feeling of someone against him. He’s out of his mind with the desire for sex, for intimacy; for someone to tell him that he’s what they _want_.

He goes to a club and has sex with someone who looks just like Isak. His brain is cloudy with alcohol, but the man’s hair is the colour of Isak’s hair and he pulls it; needing something to hang onto.

The pleasure of it only lasts a few minutes, and then the man is leaving without so much as a kiss. There’s no intimacy in it at all, and Even goes home to bed; not getting out for nearly two weeks.

**

“I’m taking care of Henry, Even. Don’t worry.” Sonja tells him, wiping his face with a washcloth because he hasn’t been able to shower.

“I’m so sorry.” He keeps whispering, wishing he was better.

Wishing Isak would come back.

**

The days is freezing and Even has been stuck at KB since early this morning. His feet hurt and all he wants is to get home, clean up his house for when Henry spends the weekend with him tomorrow.

Even is practically running out the door when he sees Isak.

_He came back,_ is the first thing Even thinks.

Isak came back and his face is bright. His smile is huge. His hair is shorter and his skin is clear and he’s holding out his arms to Even, inviting him into a hug.

Even goes into Isak’s arms, and he’s finally – _finally –_ home.

**

Sex has never been like this before. It’s never been this good, this irrevocably tangible thing that Even can feel in every part of him. Isak is under him, looking into his eyes, clinging to Even as he thrusts his hips up; and Even can barely _breathe_.

Isak’s always made him breathless, but not like this.  

Even has so much to learn about Isak. And that’s part of the beauty of it; the closeness that is still yet to come, but also what is _right_ here in front of him.

“Even, Even, Even.” Isak repeats, and he’s so lost in it; so lost in _them._

Even’s never felt more wanted in his life.

**

“You said, ‘ _I’ll wait for you’”_ Isak tells him a little later, and Even thinks hard about it.

He _had_ said that, and he’d meant it. He was willing to wait for Isak, and in a way he supposes he did. He waited for Isak to find him, but waiting hadn’t meant putting his life on hold. Waiting didn’t mean that Even regretted how he had lived without Isak, because that would mean regretting Henry, or his bond with Sonja.   

“I didn’t wait, though. I…got married. I actually have a son, too.” Even says, entwining their fingers under the blanket.

Isak’s eyes widen a bit. “Really?”

“Yeah. I love him so much.” Even continues, knowing instantly that Henry will love Isak too.

“I’d like to…meet him someday.”

“You will.” Even assures him. “I promise.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long.” Isak whispers, and he sounds sad again. “It’s not like I didn’t love you too. I wanted to tell you so many times, I just had to…find myself, I guess. I had to figure out how to love myself first.”

Even pulls him against his chest. “I know, Isak.”

“Maybe you didn’t wait for me like it seemed, but…I’m glad you waited this past year. I’m glad you gave me a chance.”

Even’s glad too. He’s glad that they found each other again.

This time he isn’t letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi  
> [here](http://photographer-of-thoughts.tumblr.com/)  
> <3


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